Alan Greenspan, Bikini Briefs, and the End of the World

Now we finally know why we have the economic Armageddon. Alan Greenspan is using the wrong economic indicators to keep the economy healthy.

Alan Greenspan, the economic oracle of the past decade, uses mens bikini briefs as an indication of the health of the economy.

I can understand tea leaves, chicken entrails, and maybe a dowsing rod over the morning Economic Times, but mens underwear? But not just any underwear, men's bikini briefs? I wonder what color?

Well, despite the fact that Alan Greenspan isn't the chairman of the Federal Reserve anymore, he could have triggered economic apocalypse. Sort of a part time Antichrist, or at least the Antichrist's accountant and well, chairman of underwear economic indicators.

You might remember me pinning the Antichrist label on Glen Beck on Fox News. Well... Remember he is a Mormon. Did you know that Mormons wear a special type of underwear? Here's a hint, it isn't bikini briefs. According to Greenspan, no men's bikini briefs, so no economic recovery. Suspicious that Beck has a reason to not wear bikini briefs...

Glen is contributing to the downfall of the economy, but at least he buys American. Supposedly the unmentionables are made in a LDS factory in Utah.

I only observe, report, and bit of doomsaying, I am not an economist. But if you see the men's briefs piling up at the Walmart, time to stock up on can goods and Bibles.

A Lack of Comets

I follow a lot of end of the world news. That's what we do here. Sadly though, things are just not getting bad, they are getting less bad. The economic Armageddon is sputtering, Obama isn't the socialism antichrist, and Bush... Well, Bush can't press the button anymore (we had such high hopes!!!). Now it is comets here or rather not here to disappoint us.

Thanks to a news blog out at our friends of Discovery.com, comets have been found to be less likely to kill us. Let's get busy with the key quote: "A comet from the deep space far beyond Pluto probably won’t smash into the Earth and obliterate all life." Isn't that just terrible?

Just so you don't have to follow the link, let me explain. Scientists ran computer simulations that showed that the odds of a comet hitting us is low. How low? About 3 hits for a half billion years of waiting. Worse still, these are probably not even big hits, just wimpy snowballs.

How come we don't get any comet joy? Well, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and Uranus tend to eat comets. Jupiter probably gobbled up one just recently and was caught busy munching on a comet in 2000.

There is a possibility that these calculations are wrong. Scientists used computers to do the calculation. Perhaps this is our future computer overlords very logical method of pulling the wool over our eyes so that when the big comet hits they have less work to do to subjugate humanity.

I guess we need to look to green fields again for ways the world could end. My new theory is that Glenn Beck of Fox News is the Antichrist. I hear he is a Mormon, so kind of dodgy in the religion department. Combine the letters of the name 'and' Fox New and you get 616 (616 is the actual number of the beast according to recent discoveries). He does work for Fox News and they supported the last candidate for being the Antichrist (or several if you squint). Sorry Glenn, without a good comet you are the only show in town.

More Lost Souls to Fight in Antichrist's Army

According to a story about somebody else's statistics on religion in America since 1990, faith is down 11%. This is bad for the remaining religious. Fewer will be on the side of good in the last battle. This also means the side of evil may have some new soldiers, but more about that in a moment.

Think about it, fewer kids going to church means more conscripts in the  Antichrist's army. These folks have to come from someplace and that means the numbers have to be subtracted from the good guys. It is like the devil is getting the first draft choice and gets extra players.

This might be good too. All depends on how you count the numbers. For example, their are 6.8% more people without religion between 1990 and 2008. If we assume these are all atheists, then they are the Swiss in the battle at Armageddon. 

If this 6.8% are agnostic, then we have a toss up. Given the track record of God not taking new recruits (remember Noah didn't take on new passengers once it started raining), then the agnostics might have only one choice. There are also 2.9% more people that didn't answer or didn't know. These could also be agnostics and definitely fall into that bucket of possible evil army recruits. 

A minor issue is that this survey does nothing for us in terms of choosing the right religion for the end times. It is still a tossup as to who is actually speaking to god. Even the Muslims give a poor showing with an increase of 0.3%. That is hardly an endorsement. My only advice is to pray to all the gods and ask forgiveness for playing the field.

The really bad news is for Protestants. Their numbers are down 5.8%.  That's like getting two of your players in the penalty box at the Stanley Cup playoffs. It's  fair to say it is bad for the home team. If Protestants are the right sect (i.e. the one true religion), then they have their work cut out for themselves to represent good.

Good is supposed to triumph over evil. But I wouldn't be too quick about thinking that. Why have a battle unless it is a reasonably fair fight with out any miracles. If God isn't going to cheat, you should look at the scorecards before you assume who is going to win. 

Anyone taking bets?