A Lack of Comets

I follow a lot of end of the world news. That's what we do here. Sadly though, things are just not getting bad, they are getting less bad. The economic Armageddon is sputtering, Obama isn't the socialism antichrist, and Bush... Well, Bush can't press the button anymore (we had such high hopes!!!). Now it is comets here or rather not here to disappoint us.

Thanks to a news blog out at our friends of Discovery.com, comets have been found to be less likely to kill us. Let's get busy with the key quote: "A comet from the deep space far beyond Pluto probably won’t smash into the Earth and obliterate all life." Isn't that just terrible?

Just so you don't have to follow the link, let me explain. Scientists ran computer simulations that showed that the odds of a comet hitting us is low. How low? About 3 hits for a half billion years of waiting. Worse still, these are probably not even big hits, just wimpy snowballs.

How come we don't get any comet joy? Well, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and Uranus tend to eat comets. Jupiter probably gobbled up one just recently and was caught busy munching on a comet in 2000.

There is a possibility that these calculations are wrong. Scientists used computers to do the calculation. Perhaps this is our future computer overlords very logical method of pulling the wool over our eyes so that when the big comet hits they have less work to do to subjugate humanity.

I guess we need to look to green fields again for ways the world could end. My new theory is that Glenn Beck of Fox News is the Antichrist. I hear he is a Mormon, so kind of dodgy in the religion department. Combine the letters of the name 'and' Fox New and you get 616 (616 is the actual number of the beast according to recent discoveries). He does work for Fox News and they supported the last candidate for being the Antichrist (or several if you squint). Sorry Glenn, without a good comet you are the only show in town.

Mayan Prophesy to end Frisbee Golf Debate

To some, the end of the world in 2012 is a good thing. An editorial at the Chico Enterprise Record puts to the readers that a debate about a park in Chico California is so bad that he would love the 2012 prophesy to come true so that the debate can end.

I must say, that has to be one ugly debate. Fisbee Golf must have bigger fans and opponents than we imagined. My parents live near Chico, so I hope there is no violence.

This leads us to speculate. Maybe the reason the Mayans predicted 2012 as the end of the world is that they new of the coming conflagration of Frisbee golfers and the city of Chico was coming to the flash point.

History lends a clue. The Frisbee is a much older concept than many people know. It has been used as a thrown weapon long ago by several cultures. Even the US Army is working to enhance this ancient weapon. The simple fact is that the Frisbee Golf advocates could begin manufacturing these weapons or even contract out manufacture to an aerospace company to create powerful versions that could end the world.

If you see flying disks of death and live near Chino California, you will know the end is near. Hopefully, like normal golf, the Frisbee guys should yell "fore" before they throw the first blow in the last battle to end all battles.

More Lost Souls to Fight in Antichrist's Army

According to a story about somebody else's statistics on religion in America since 1990, faith is down 11%. This is bad for the remaining religious. Fewer will be on the side of good in the last battle. This also means the side of evil may have some new soldiers, but more about that in a moment.

Think about it, fewer kids going to church means more conscripts in the  Antichrist's army. These folks have to come from someplace and that means the numbers have to be subtracted from the good guys. It is like the devil is getting the first draft choice and gets extra players.

This might be good too. All depends on how you count the numbers. For example, their are 6.8% more people without religion between 1990 and 2008. If we assume these are all atheists, then they are the Swiss in the battle at Armageddon. 

If this 6.8% are agnostic, then we have a toss up. Given the track record of God not taking new recruits (remember Noah didn't take on new passengers once it started raining), then the agnostics might have only one choice. There are also 2.9% more people that didn't answer or didn't know. These could also be agnostics and definitely fall into that bucket of possible evil army recruits. 

A minor issue is that this survey does nothing for us in terms of choosing the right religion for the end times. It is still a tossup as to who is actually speaking to god. Even the Muslims give a poor showing with an increase of 0.3%. That is hardly an endorsement. My only advice is to pray to all the gods and ask forgiveness for playing the field.

The really bad news is for Protestants. Their numbers are down 5.8%.  That's like getting two of your players in the penalty box at the Stanley Cup playoffs. It's  fair to say it is bad for the home team. If Protestants are the right sect (i.e. the one true religion), then they have their work cut out for themselves to represent good.

Good is supposed to triumph over evil. But I wouldn't be too quick about thinking that. Why have a battle unless it is a reasonably fair fight with out any miracles. If God isn't going to cheat, you should look at the scorecards before you assume who is going to win. 

Anyone taking bets?

I love Google News! It is simply the best way to find signs of the coming Apocalypse. 

Go to this link for a story about a man that is claiming that the Apocalypse is now. Either that or he is a fan of Francis Ford Coppola's film. I must admit that either of these would make a good insanity plea defense.

End of the world in 2012 proven by 13 year old kid in Dallas

Thirteen year old proved the world will end in 2012 at a science fair. Sadly looses, proving end was actually sooner. 

Strange that this happened in Dallas. Not because there are not a lot of science gurus, but you would expect someone to prove Revelations instead.

If you know this kid, I want to interview him!

Have they found me out?

The New Scientist is showing that they are prejudiced against the shortcut thinkers of this world with the latest opinion piece: How to spot a hidden religious agenda.  Why can't they leave pseudoscientists alone?

I find this sort of pseudoscience witch hunt to be offensive. Especially to witches! What happened to the good old days when we used to hunt witches? Now we hunt a lot of other stuff and the net result is no marshmallow roast. When are people going to get it through their thick  heads that only witches burn well enough to roast marshmallows!

I can make up anything I want and call it science. Sure it's science fiction and fantasy science flavored science, but it uses that science word, right? Same goes for those other greats, like Nostradamus or John of Patmos. Sometimes we need to believe that this is real so that we write better. 

You just can't make a buck as a doomsayer if you use real science. Erich von Däniken couldn't have been a best selling author by disproving aliens built the pyramids. You have to believe you see aliens or all you see is boring reality.

I'd go on and on about this. However I have another appointment and a bag of marshmallows that need to be roasted.

An Open Letter to the History Channel

Dear History Channel,

Subject: Programming

I notice that you spend a lot of time covering possible apocalyptic events and doomsayers, both religious and scientific.

This seems sort of odd. Isn't that future history? Worse is the fact that it is so scary that it making me mess my pants!

Why do you have to scare the living excrement out of us? I know it is sweeps week, but aren't you crying wolf, being Chicken Little, and giving a bit too much air time to crooks, idiots, charlatans, and leaders of damaging cults?

Even the stuff from scientists is a bit over the top. Just because a scientist says that Revelations' references to seas of blood could be red tide is no reason to give credit to such garbage.

How can you sleep at night? How would you like it if we changed your educational channels to play nothing but the Christian Broadcast Network?

At least give equal time to good comedians to make fun of this tripe. You shouldn't just have naysayers of doomsayers, you need good clean comedy to show how ridiculous this stuff is. It is the only way you are going to stop the damage to humanity.

Are you not afraid that by labeling this as history that your own children will believe this?

I know I will only hear the standard, "we got your message". Nothing is going to happen and your programming isn't going to change. I can only dream of my ultimate revenge that all this tripe about the end of the word is actually true and you are the first to get yours.

Thanks for the attention and your other great programming. Love your new show, UFO Hunters!!!

More 2012. Score: Humanity 3, Mayans 0.

More news of 2012 is starting to flow. Let's look at three articles today.

Science appears to contradict Mayan 2012 doomsday

By DESMOND LAWE

http://www.northernstar.info/article/6622/

Oh dear. You can tell form the tittle that things are not looking good for the Mayans. Here they were, getting ready for the end of the world, and then nothing. I hate it when that happens. Happeed to me in 2000. Afraid to go party and stayed home with my weapons and canned food. According to the article, the best hopes are a planetary/galactic alignment that will tear the Earth apart. Sorry all debunked by the article. 

I can still hope that the Mayan gods are listening. What is prophesy without fulfillment? Yeah there will be a great party in 2012, but who wants to live through the next day's hangover?

I find it silly that you need any type of astronomy for a god to come down and destroy the Earth. Look at Star Trek for all the examples you need. All that is required is a super being or a really big bomb or both. As long as you don't have Spock or Kirk to foil your plans, you are golden. Given that old Trek was canceled decades ago and that they were only fictional characters anyway, the Mayan gods can just wipe out the Earth without a peep from us.  

On to the next article:

Geologists Debunk Apocalyptic Prophecy

Pole Shift Gains Popularity; Science Clashes with Society

February 25, 2009 By Leigha Kemmett

http://cornellsun.com/node/35108

More bad news. Possibilities of the magnetic poles shifting is debunked along with other theories. Of course these are scientists. They think that just because they can make a car that will go 100,000 miles without a tuneup, that they can predict the behavior of Mayan gods. Hubris I say! 

Why write "The Boy's Book of Armageddon"?

I get asked a lot about why I wrote the The Boy's Book of Armageddon. The simple answer is that the whole idea is just funny.

Yes, the idea that we will all die horrible deaths is a downer, but you have to see the humor in the very ideas of how the world can end. Not just talking about the actual event, but the doomsayers, the signs, the preperations, and even what to do if you happen to survive.

It really doesn't matter one bit that the world will end right now... Well, not now... Not now either, but if it does. What matters is that people are always talking about the end of the world. Scientists, religions, and the crazy are all trying to make their case for the end of the world. Why fight it? Why not make fun of it?

My book, as is this blog, is educational. I know a lot of interesting facts and even have very important advice that you may benefit from. Some disasters are real as are some cults that damage the gullible every day. Why not understand how cults can make even scientists become gullible sheep willing to drink the cool-aid? There are also interesting facts about science, religion, and even marketing.

But the first principal is humor. We could get hit by a killer comet tomorrow or the biblical end times could magically start, but why not laugh now while you've got a moment?

Link of the day: Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Today's link is Self-fulfilling Prophecy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-fulfilling_prophecy

This notion of Self-fulfilling Prophecy is  like mixing a needle factory and a balloon factory. I'm sure it doen't sound apocolyptic, but it is to the balloons. If balloons had souls... If they believed in the end times... Why not have a field trip to the needle factory and fight the evil pins?

See where I am going with this? Ok, maybe that's a bad example. 

In California, they have politicians labeled Armageddon Republicans (please don't get me started on why there're no Armageddon Democrats). There is an article in the editorial section of the LA Times that is blaming these guys for the financial mess there. The author's opinion is that   Republicans are causing this. Here is a quote from the piece:

A steadfast belief in Armageddon may be self-fulfilling, and California is now witnessing the beginning of the end -- an avoidable economic collapse, as construction projects to build things we need and to inject money into the economy come to a halt, and as Sacramento's ineptitude and Republican intransigence obliterate confidence and dissuade investment.

In other words, why pay for changes, help people, be humanitarians, and be fiscally responsible when we are all going to snuff it at any moment anyway? It is also implied that this is somehow a fight against evil in the final battle. Democrat is synonymous with the devil of course. 

I am apauled that there is even a hint of Armageddon Republicanism. It is just plain wrong headed. It is like suicide and I hear that's a sin. Anything short of going to Mount Megiddo (Armageddon) and only battling those that are clearly marked by their pointy tails, red skin and horns is jumping the gun. 

I hear the end times will be obvious. A world-wide financial crises is not enough to even hint at the return of the Antichrist or any other sign in any other religion or cult. The seas havn't even turned to blood yet! Give me a break! You just as well be Democrats for all the good it would do. Literally! Shame on you!

Armageddon Quotes of the End Days

First is this news story from Canada. It appears that they are pushing for a do or do not aproach to the end of the world.

"It's not the end of the world, unless we want to make it the end of the world."
  - Scott Dudgeon, CEO of the Alzheimer Society of Canada

We also have this great headline:

Gmail fails, signals tech apocalypse

The story on CNet News helps us to understand that we don't need to have an apocalypse all at once. We can do it in stages, with gmail first.

All together, not a bad day for the apocalypse minded. Always good to get a good fright when you read the news with your afternoon tea.

Comets are not our friends

Another comet has passed us by without ending civilization. I know a few people are disappointed comet Lulin failed their dream of disaster. You have to take the good with the bad. At least you can still fear other comets still postmarked for Earth.

It's one thing to be able to see a once in a lifetime view of a comet, quite another to be there when one strikes the Earth right in the nose. It would be cool, don't you think? You couldn't tell your grand kids about the great comet strike, because you'll be dead. But in your last moments, wouldn't it be nice to know you could if you did?

Scientists are also a bit disappointed. A comet strike would be great for science. Of course they would prefer a comet that was small and did not include 'killer of all mankind' in its description. Having a comet come to you is simpler and cheaper than sending a rocket.

We are fairly certain that comets have hit us in the past. Eventually one is going to hit us in the future too. Comets, and especially big comets, are rare and even rarer that they are aimed at the Earth. What a shame for the doomsayers and even the scientists.

Today we will just have to settle for comet Lulin being a sign of doom. Could be a good sign too. Maybe this is a sign that they will finally find Osama bin Laden?

Bird Flu and Doorknobs

I am not afraid of Bird Flu.

Why? Simple: Doorknobs.

Flu germs can live on a doorknob for up to 48 hours. You sneeze on your hands, open a door and that doorknob is now typhoid Mary. So, that is bad. Easy to catch the flu. What about Bird Flu?

Have you ever seen a bird open a door? No hands, right? Not going to happen. They don't even have the ability to sneeze on their hands or wipe their nose. 

Bird Flu is not going to spread from birds sneezing on their hands and opening doors. Case closed. 

Now if the Chinese start tainting bird food like they tainted baby milk, we need to worry. The moment birds start mutating and growing hands... Well, we are deep in the brown stuff that comes out of the back of bulls.