Comet ISON: Panic Now in Progress

You heard it here first, Comet ISON is coming to our Earth. Comets have long been feared, though never successful in their threats, the panic is still very real. You are about to get flooded with news from the comet doomsayers and anti-doomsayers.

Comets need to be bright to be feared, and ISON will be very very bright. You should be able to see it during the day. so that means not only will insomniacs be panicking, so will those of us stuck in traffic because of accidents caused by rubbernecking amateur astronomers that can't multitask texting, driving and comet observing.

The real fun is when it starts raining comet! You heard right, comet rain. The Earth will bump into ISON's tail and we will get a slow rain of ISON stuff. This is much different than shooting stars we see because of comet dust burning up in our atmosphere. This comet fluff will be gently dropping into our atmosphere. The chicken littles will be out in force to tell us that poison and diseases will safely reach Earth and kill us all.

Seeds or spores from space is one of the popular theories. Imagine millions of seeds blown across the galaxy and hitching a ride on a comet. When the Earth passes through the comet's tail, seeds of shambling carnivorous alien plants will start sprouting (see the documentary, Day of the Triffids).These alien visitors will be roaming the countryside looking for souvenirs to take back to their home planet. Thousands will die from triffid tourist rage as they are cranky vacationers. The carnage will continue until a scientist figures out how to kill them with shaving cream and a paddle ball.

Disease will be the scariest of all. Alien bacteria is not pretty (read the scholarly paper written by a crack scientist at the Cardiff offices of Torchwood).

Here is a link to the original news about how the comet will cause the deadly rain. The article mentions nothing about death and disease, zombies, or carnivorous plants - we wouldn't expect that, would we? Not an oversight on the reporter's part, just the usual coverup and conspiracy.

Any of your friends work for a media outlet (i.e. reporters or the Daily Show), please tell them about the danger and this blog. More importantly, let them know I am pushing my book and happy to tell them about the latest end of the world.

Today's Experiment: Snotty Comet

In todays experiment, lets prove that comets, though cold as ice (because they are made from ice), can transmit sickness. Here are the steps:

1. Get a few ice cubes.  
2. Contaminate the ice cubes (rub them on your dirty socks, your dog's butt, or just sneeze on them).
3. Put the ice cubes in your sister's ice tea.
4. Wait and observe your sister.

Note, if you sister does not show symptoms right away, just show her these instructions and nod meaningfully in the general direction of her empty glass of tea. She'll get sick soon enough. Wear a rain coat and keep a puke bucket nearby!

A Lack of Comets

I follow a lot of end of the world news. That's what we do here. Sadly though, things are just not getting bad, they are getting less bad. The economic Armageddon is sputtering, Obama isn't the socialism antichrist, and Bush... Well, Bush can't press the button anymore (we had such high hopes!!!). Now it is comets here or rather not here to disappoint us.

Thanks to a news blog out at our friends of Discovery.com, comets have been found to be less likely to kill us. Let's get busy with the key quote: "A comet from the deep space far beyond Pluto probably won’t smash into the Earth and obliterate all life." Isn't that just terrible?

Just so you don't have to follow the link, let me explain. Scientists ran computer simulations that showed that the odds of a comet hitting us is low. How low? About 3 hits for a half billion years of waiting. Worse still, these are probably not even big hits, just wimpy snowballs.

How come we don't get any comet joy? Well, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and Uranus tend to eat comets. Jupiter probably gobbled up one just recently and was caught busy munching on a comet in 2000.

There is a possibility that these calculations are wrong. Scientists used computers to do the calculation. Perhaps this is our future computer overlords very logical method of pulling the wool over our eyes so that when the big comet hits they have less work to do to subjugate humanity.

I guess we need to look to green fields again for ways the world could end. My new theory is that Glenn Beck of Fox News is the Antichrist. I hear he is a Mormon, so kind of dodgy in the religion department. Combine the letters of the name 'and' Fox New and you get 616 (616 is the actual number of the beast according to recent discoveries). He does work for Fox News and they supported the last candidate for being the Antichrist (or several if you squint). Sorry Glenn, without a good comet you are the only show in town.