2012 Theory Flushed?

The Mayans had flush toilets! That's what the report at LiveScience.com says. Indoor plumbing is a hallmark of an advanced civilization which is a code phrase for smart guys. Does that mean that the theory of the world ending in 2012 because of the Mayan calendar is correct? Given that these toilets were not the same two flush, eco toilets that we have, that at least makes the Mayans smarter than us.

But look at this another way... If Mayans had toilets, maybe that was just enough information to divine the end of the universe by measuring the impact of the galaxy on the flow of toilet water as maze laden logs swirled to the nether regions of hell.

Of course there is the Coriolis effect. This is the idea that the direction that your toilet spirals as it drains are influenced by being up here or down under. Are there other forces at work? Is this really how Mayans predicted the seasons and movement of stars and planets? Could this too be how they came up with 2012?

But(t) do Mayan toilets really help figure out that the world will be ripped apart by a galactic alignment? Does the direction and velocity of an ancient peoples pee and poo indicate the presence of a killer planet X or the Earth's poles shifting its axis?

I am often asked, "Are you totally stupid?" Other times people just giggle and point in my general direction. The fact is, we have no evidence that Mayans didn't use their flush toilets as the basis for their astronomy.

Could toilet dynamics have predicted the existence of Uranus before 1781? Or was the flush toilet out of reach of most astronomers? Could the Mayans have predicted the same, or did that see this as pointless once they discovered the end of the world and put a kibosh on the program to put a Mayan on the Moon by June?

Next time you flush, look closely. Is there a slight tug to the left? Is that the end you are seeing as you benefit from the greatest invention of mankind?

Zombie Pigs

Word is that scientists are working on zombie pigs. What does that mean? Simply that we no longer need to wait on any gods, radiation of comets, or demon's to end the world. All we need now is current research and someone to spill a beaker of zombie pig juice in the lab's kitchenette.

Next stop, zombie invasion!

Mayon volcano in the Philippines signals end of world!

The Mayon (not Mayan) volcano in the Philippines that is about to blow! Could this be the start of all the super volcanos? Will the earth crack open any day now?

Why not send me money for an advanced copy of my book? It is currently being edited and we are working on the front cover, so not finished yet. But if you really feel the world is going to end any second now, please feel free to send me large amounts of cash for an advanced copy of The Boys Book of Armageddon.

Remember you should be prepared for the end of the world... or at least have a good laugh.

No Mayans Were Harmed Durring the Filming of this Movie

Daniel Cubias of the Huffington Postt's blog, The Hispanic Fanatic, is a prig (look it up).

Mr Cubias states: ...2012 pillages an ancient culture, deliberately misrepresents its traditions, and then claims its all true.

Sadly Mr Cubias states that Mayans were harmed during the making of 2012 like he is a member of the ASPCA trying to protect little bunnies from looking too edible during a zombie movie. No Mayans were turned into zombies or defamed or even destroyed (only South Africa survives so we assume fewer Mayan inheritors).

I saw 2012 yesterday. Yes, a couple of mentions of Mayans - no trouncing of Mayan culture. The intelligence of the audience was trampled upon and then mixed with the sort of politics you would expect from Glenn Beck(i.e. me me me). In fact, if you look closely, in the movie they say the Mayans were right about the date, then the end of the world gets recalculated and thus implies Mayans were wrong and a bit late thus endangering the survival of mankind.

But allow me to reiterate as I do so much elsewhere and in my book, "The Boys Book of Armageddon", the Mayan calendar must signal the end of the world. Mayan calendars do not include a small version of the next era's calendar, and nobody's selling Mayan calendars for Christmas 2011. These facts alone makes it true.

This 2012 hoopla is also just signaling the end of the world for Mayans, not the rest of us. I have a 5 year desk calendar that is keeping me safe and I always carry a little perpetual calendar in my wallet. You are only in danger if you still follow the Mayan calendar.

I may be wrong. I have never seen the back side of the famous Mayan calendar. There could be post office address on the back or even a web address to order a new calendar for the next 5,112 era.

NASA = Not Another Stupid Armageddon

NASA is at it again. This time they have a whole web site dedicated to debunking the end of the world in 2012. Ipso facto: The world will end.

If NASA says it isn't true, you know there is a conspiracy. Yes, another nail in the coffin that proves unashamedly that the world is ending.

With conspiracies, it is hard to prove they really are there. It has been said that the best way to make something secret is to not say anything at all, even a lie. NASA does rockets, so they don't do the conspiracy thing very well. Worse they have many facts wrong.

The first issue is Armageddon itself. I have written here before that that Armageddon is a place. So it is very difficult to say a place won't happen. Of course, even more telling, they don't mention Armageddon on the web page. That's very telling.

Better yet, NASA is trying to prove a negative. They are saying that they don't have any evidence of the end of the world and thus can't prove the world will 'not' end. Shame on NASA.

My best evidence is related to part of the web page:

Q: Does the Mayan calendar end in December 2012?
A: Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then -- just as your calendar begins again on January 1 -- another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar.

NASA is just grasping at straws by answering like this. First of all, how do they know I have a calendar in my kitchen? Is this technological fallout of the Mars rover that let's them spy on my kitchen calendar? But spying aside, they didn't look too close at my calendar. They say it just ends, but my calendar has a mini calendar for next year. It even has a web address for ordering a new calendar with new pretty pictures for next year. I have seen no evidence that the Mayan calendar has any such thing. NASA is just barking up the wrong calendar!

But things get worse! At the end of the article they point to other websites for debunking 2012. For example: http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/misc/planetx/nutshell.html. Bad Astronomy is a great website on astronomy, but not exactly a reference site for the Mayan calendar. Sloppy if you ask me. NASA needs some better writers for their anti-conspiracy-conspiracy web content.

There was one great piece of the website that I loved: The prediction that the world would end on May, 2003 from being destroyed by the wayward planet Nibiru (also known as Planet X). I had not heard of this prediction before. Curious... Does that mean NASA knew, but are just now telling us? Very curious.

All in all, this may be sort of overkill attributing conspiracy to cover up the end of the world. They also predicted that man would travel to Mars before our computers were destroyed by Y2K. NASA may have gotten us to the Moon, but they are poor at prediction. If you think about it, maybe this is their plan... NASA is bad about prediction, so the web page must be wrong, therefore it is true because it is real. Think about it!

Alan Greenspan, Bikini Briefs, and the End of the World

Now we finally know why we have the economic Armageddon. Alan Greenspan is using the wrong economic indicators to keep the economy healthy.

Alan Greenspan, the economic oracle of the past decade, uses mens bikini briefs as an indication of the health of the economy.

I can understand tea leaves, chicken entrails, and maybe a dowsing rod over the morning Economic Times, but mens underwear? But not just any underwear, men's bikini briefs? I wonder what color?

Well, despite the fact that Alan Greenspan isn't the chairman of the Federal Reserve anymore, he could have triggered economic apocalypse. Sort of a part time Antichrist, or at least the Antichrist's accountant and well, chairman of underwear economic indicators.

You might remember me pinning the Antichrist label on Glen Beck on Fox News. Well... Remember he is a Mormon. Did you know that Mormons wear a special type of underwear? Here's a hint, it isn't bikini briefs. According to Greenspan, no men's bikini briefs, so no economic recovery. Suspicious that Beck has a reason to not wear bikini briefs...

Glen is contributing to the downfall of the economy, but at least he buys American. Supposedly the unmentionables are made in a LDS factory in Utah.

I only observe, report, and bit of doomsaying, I am not an economist. But if you see the men's briefs piling up at the Walmart, time to stock up on can goods and Bibles.

Worried about your pets? What about an Atheist pet sitter?

Don't let your pets suffer when you get taken up to heaven! Why not reserve a place in a great new service provided by the heathan athiests to care and feed your pet?

Here is a link to the service: Eternal Earthbound Pets.

Laughing (Gas) at the End of the World

Imagine, you are living in a steaming hot house without your CFC and bad hair because there is no CFC laden hair spray. But you look up and their is still an ozone hole! What's up?

Apparently laughing gas (N2O) is the new threat to the Earth's ozone. Who knew that modern dentistry started the apocalypse.

Not only dentists are causing you to get that tan to the bone look, but fertilizers and sewage treatment plants are culprits too. So growing plants, then processing the result of eating those plants are a double threat. It is a triple threat if you do this on a supersonic jet which also causes laughing gas (who knew super sonic jets could cause a laugh?).

Look for a ban on fertilizer and painless dentistry and jets. I'll bet that Republicans are going to be fighting those restrictions! Forget four horses of the Apocalypse, ozone is a quick shortcut to end the world quickly. In fact, forget bans, look for Republicans to start supporting laughing gas subsides.

No money for Armageddon

NASA says that they are running out of money to hunt for Armageddon asteroids.

That's just not good. Not good at all.

Why isn't it good? Simply because we can't panic ahead of time. Armageddon isn't any fun if you can't panic. All you would have is the Sun being blotted out by a rock the size of Walla Walla Washington and then the last thing you see is your feet as said rock flattens you to mush. Hardly any time for panic in the streets.

Obviously we could divert an asteroid headed our way. I doubt that there is any possibility we ever would though. Republican fanatics would be putting Hitler mustaches on Obama for trying to save us. Republican congressmen would deadlock on the price for diverting an asteroid that would meet their need for Armageddon. Even the Democrats would be spouting 'laws of nature' and we would still be so much mayonnaise between crunchy earth and crunchy asteroid.

This is also bad for the fear mongers and end of the world cults. It would be absolutely incredible to have an honest to god confirmed threat. No more guessing. Just honest info and a date for the end of the world plus or minus four and a half minutes.

Please O' please, write your congressman, especially the Republicans, for some money for NASA. We need our advanced warning of the end times!

Zombie Math!

At last, we have some Zombie science! There is now a mathematical formula for Zombies.

Twittering the Asteroid Appocolypse

Ah, technology. That sweet, sweet smell of electronically delivered panic to your computer or even your iPhone. At long last, you can now get a twitter feed of asteroids and be the first in your office to know when the killer asteroid is coming our way.

The folks at NASA now have a twitter account for announcing asteroid tracks. Here is the link:

http://twitter.com/asteroidwatch

Better yet, why not get the new asteroiod widget for your Mac? Not only do you know what ateroids are out there, but you also get a handy guide to how big they are. For example, August 8th 2009, there will be an asteroid passing us the size of a four story building! That's putting the gravity of the situation right on the old Apple!

A Lack of Comets

I follow a lot of end of the world news. That's what we do here. Sadly though, things are just not getting bad, they are getting less bad. The economic Armageddon is sputtering, Obama isn't the socialism antichrist, and Bush... Well, Bush can't press the button anymore (we had such high hopes!!!). Now it is comets here or rather not here to disappoint us.

Thanks to a news blog out at our friends of Discovery.com, comets have been found to be less likely to kill us. Let's get busy with the key quote: "A comet from the deep space far beyond Pluto probably won’t smash into the Earth and obliterate all life." Isn't that just terrible?

Just so you don't have to follow the link, let me explain. Scientists ran computer simulations that showed that the odds of a comet hitting us is low. How low? About 3 hits for a half billion years of waiting. Worse still, these are probably not even big hits, just wimpy snowballs.

How come we don't get any comet joy? Well, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, and Uranus tend to eat comets. Jupiter probably gobbled up one just recently and was caught busy munching on a comet in 2000.

There is a possibility that these calculations are wrong. Scientists used computers to do the calculation. Perhaps this is our future computer overlords very logical method of pulling the wool over our eyes so that when the big comet hits they have less work to do to subjugate humanity.

I guess we need to look to green fields again for ways the world could end. My new theory is that Glenn Beck of Fox News is the Antichrist. I hear he is a Mormon, so kind of dodgy in the religion department. Combine the letters of the name 'and' Fox New and you get 616 (616 is the actual number of the beast according to recent discoveries). He does work for Fox News and they supported the last candidate for being the Antichrist (or several if you squint). Sorry Glenn, without a good comet you are the only show in town.

Now Illegal in Ireland: Religion

In Ireland, it is now illegal to write/publish/speak anything critical of religion. In fact, there is a 25,000 Euro fine for each offense.

According to their definition “Blasphemous matter” is “that is grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby causing outrage among a substantial number of the adherents of that religion; and he or she intends, by the publication of the matter concerned, to cause such outrage.”

Although Richard Dawkins is up in arms about this, the law sort of creates a stalemate. Most, if not all true religions (true as in taking tax write-offs verses those found in a mental ward) are blasphemous to other religions.

So, the teachings of Christians is blasphemous to Islam and vis versa and so on. If you count the Atheists, with their cult of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Celestial Teapots is insulting to everyone else. Strangely as a right of those that 'believe' in Atheism (a true religion based on it's non-profit status), it is a basic tenet of their religion to be blasphemous of other religions.

You have the right first to be religious. That means you have the right to be blasphemous of all but your religion. But you can't be blasphemous of another religion because that might make someone mad. Q.E.D. religion has been outlawed by Ireland.

One could hope that Ireland's government would be sucked into a black hole of contradictions. No such luck. Sadly most elected officials deny the existence of black holes - I base this on their budgets and campaign promises.

What does this all mean? Well, there go the publishing rights for my book in Ireland. Even humor books are considered a spoiler for some religions.

I'll also avoid any travel to the Emerald Isle as they can use any reasonable force and confiscation of such materials to enforce this law. There would be storm troopers awaiting my arrival donning rubber gloves and and evil smile. Ultimately the greatest loss: Kissing the Blarney Stone is now off my bucket list.

I'd use a little profanity, but I hear that's blasphemous too.

Penn and Teller - Bullshit! - End of the World Video

Here is a video I referenced in the earlier blog entry. I love this show! I want to point out again that Teller never denies that the world will end.

Penn and Teller - Bullshit! - End of the World


Penn and Teller - Bullshit! - End of the World

Armageddon Bullshit? Teller isn't saying!

Just when you thought it was safe to watch TV, Penn and Teller start calling the 2012 end of the world "bullshit". Damn.

Death by solar flares, planet X, and Mayan princesses are apparently all bullshit. It has to be, because Penn said so. In fact, he said so in earlier episodes of the show.

Teller is silent on the subject. He is very wise.

Because I respect Teller's wisdom, I think there is still hope for the end of the world. Teller and I see eye to eye, at least in the height department. In fact, I did meet both Teller and Penn in Las Vegas so I've seen those eyes and their height.

So, for Teller, the book and the blog go on. The end of the world is still coming and so is my book, The Boys Book of Armageddon.

The good news is that Penn didn't blow any holes in other ways the world will end. The Mayans be damned (by Penn), but they are just a little end compared to the other nasties out there. My money is still on dog farts, but there are many other ends we can all cower from.

Long live the end of the world! Bullshit be damned!

Lego Revelations

There are blogs and then there are blogs. A new one is here: http://dwindlinginunbelief.blogspot.com/

You have to love a guy that blogs about the Lego Apocalypse.

Mayan Prophesy to end Frisbee Golf Debate

To some, the end of the world in 2012 is a good thing. An editorial at the Chico Enterprise Record puts to the readers that a debate about a park in Chico California is so bad that he would love the 2012 prophesy to come true so that the debate can end.

I must say, that has to be one ugly debate. Fisbee Golf must have bigger fans and opponents than we imagined. My parents live near Chico, so I hope there is no violence.

This leads us to speculate. Maybe the reason the Mayans predicted 2012 as the end of the world is that they new of the coming conflagration of Frisbee golfers and the city of Chico was coming to the flash point.

History lends a clue. The Frisbee is a much older concept than many people know. It has been used as a thrown weapon long ago by several cultures. Even the US Army is working to enhance this ancient weapon. The simple fact is that the Frisbee Golf advocates could begin manufacturing these weapons or even contract out manufacture to an aerospace company to create powerful versions that could end the world.

If you see flying disks of death and live near Chino California, you will know the end is near. Hopefully, like normal golf, the Frisbee guys should yell "fore" before they throw the first blow in the last battle to end all battles.

Asteroids won't drown us - another way we can't die

The problem with the end of the world is that success is bad. Unfortunately scientists are blowing holes in some of the better ways the Earth  could be wiped clean of the heathens. This time asteroids and killer tidal waves took a turn for the worse. Sorry to report, this won't kill us. 

New research is showing that big asteroids hitting in the ocean won't drown us in a tidal wave. That's bad news for doomsayers with cosmic predictions. It means you need a super killer asteroid rather than the more abundant mountain sized rocks. Most of the space trash out there is no longer be of sufficient world ending quality. 

Anybody see reverse parallels to redefining obesity? You know, change a little number and suddenly half the world is now fat? This is the reverse because all those killer asteroids are now anemic weaklings.

 We'd still have issues, but we won't all be underwater. Sure a dino killer will cause problems.  The is assuming dinosaurs actually existed to get destroyed and they didn't if you are on the creation side of the end of the world debate. If you believe in evolution, sure, we can still snuff it like they did. 

Fishing Rules in Pacific End World

Wow, isn't it interesting how easily the apocalypse can be triggered. This time with simple bans on where folks can fish in the Pacific ocean off the California coast. An article in the LA Times tell the sorid tale. It's the end of life as we know it and it all starts with Catholics not getting their fish on Fridays. 

Swine Flu and Appocolypse

Hurray! We have been a bit low on end of the world news lately. Finally we have some good fodder to scare little children.

The US has declared a public health emergency! Send in some clowns, lets have a parade, and party hardy! Doomsayers unite in celebration.

But of course we are talking about the fourth horse of the Apocalypse. Usually called ashen but at times I've read green. It is the final of four. It is a winner of an apocalyptic vision.

The ashen horse sounds very nasty. It brings death with swords, famine, pestilence and wild beasts. Crikey!

If you don’t die from a gaping sword wound, he starves you. If you don’t starve, you get a deadly disease. If the disease does not kill you quick enough, how about pestilence, which we can only guess is ultra nasty like the Black Plague? If that's not enough, then some animal is going to eat you!

Why even have the other horsemen when you have this guy. The other horsemen are just an opening act to warm up the audience.

Swine flu is just part of the forth horseman's job. It is in the news, so let's look closer at this as a flu pandemic.

Bird flu is scary only because it spreads via birds. Generic Swine Flu is not scary because pigs are rather lazy and don’t travel business class.

People live with their pigs and pigs are very close to us genetically. So most bugs that will kill a pig, will kill us. Add the conditions of pig farms that would help a nasty bug grow, and you get a flu that could kill billions. The bigger of the pandemics killed millions. They were all swine flu.

As I write this, lots of people are already dead in Mexico from this deadly strain. You might be reading this a bit late to buy a surgical mask, but that’s how a blog works. If this is the beginning of the end, well… I suggest you subscribe to this blog now so that you get a little quicker warning... should you survive.

Have you ever been on a plane and not be allowed to get off because someone was sick? I have.

On a trip be between Japan and Dallas, we found that a few people were very ill. Paramedics in gloves and masks entered the plane and examined the possible carriers of nasty disease. Lucky for us, they could not pin it down to something nasty. They did offer to take the entire plane to the hospital if they felt compromised. Really!

You don’t see it often, but quarantines happens a lot. Sadly this usually it is just blind luck if we catch Typhoid Mary traveling in coach. The problem is incubation.

Pandemics don’t just happen. They require a lot of travel, long incubation times, and be easy to transmit.

Incubation is the time from when you get infected to the time you are infectious. One issue with many diseases is that they don’t seem deadly until you are showing signs of dying. The usual course for a killer flu is feeling like you have a cold, then the flu, and then you get really bad and croak.

Because the flu starts out feeling like a cold, you go to work, school, and attend events like football games. Simply, you don’t feel too bad about giving the rest of the world the sniffles.

Our whole society works this way. Germs are invisible, so we don’t know we are spreading them. Sickness is also a fact of life. Unless you can’t get out of bed, we get out of bed and spread our germ infested snot to the four corners of the world.

With the long incubation, most defenses are too little, and too late. You are sneezing before you know that the pandemic is out there.

Things can get worse if there is a vaccine. Where are the biggest crowds of sick people? Standing in line to get a vaccine. Wear a mask and wash your hands!

Another problem with the flu is that it often targets the old and the young for death. Seems fine if you are 25 and healthy, right? Problem is that people in their 60’s think they are 25 with a few aches and gray hairs.

There are some tricks to avoid getting sick during a pandemic. Don’t get within 50 feet of anyone. Don’t touch anything. Wear a surgical mask at all times. Just imagine the world is made up of snot. Wash your hands twenty-five times a day. Maybe the world will end, but you will safely starve to death in the safety of your germ free world.

One last thought. If this is a public health emergency, what about the private sector?

Funny, but please take note

Seriously, the public health emergency is real. The comment about immunizations is sort of a joke. Immunizations can save lives. I would still wear a mask and wash my hands.

CORRECTION: This strain of flu has yet to pan out. While you hear of deaths from this strain, the good old fashioned flu has been quietly killing thousands. Isn't media hype wonderful?

Here are a couple of links:

CDC info on Flu

CDC info on Swine Flu

Bruce Bueno de Mesquita Phd Doomsayer

I never would have thought it, but there’s a doomsayer named Bruce. Bruce is a mathematician and political scientist, or rather a historian that has a spreadsheet.

Bruce Bueno de Mesquita Phd is a mathematical fortune teller. He uses game theory and data to make his predictions.

I’d explain game theory, but it is easy to summarize as simply math about games. Sorry for dodging the issue, but it is math and this is a book on the end of the world.

You might wonder how I know about Bruce. If you guessed that I met him at Disney Land, you would be partially right. Disney advertises on the History Channel and thus sponsored a show that compared Bruce and his predictions to Nostradamus. Yes, it is a Mickey Mouse connection, but it is all I have.

No angels, aliens, or even volcanoes. Bruce just predicts nasty stuff like terrorists, wars, economic collapse, Bush, and other ways the world can end by mankind’s hand.

The History Channel is sneaky. They compare Bruce to Nostradamus. Because Nostradamus predicted the Antichrist, then Bruce could at any moment predict the moment of Armageddon. It also meant that they could use all the Nostradamus archival footage to make the documentary about Bruce Bueno de Mesquita Phd a two hour special at half the cost.

I love the History Channel. It’s very brave of Disney to support the doomsayer documentary community. Perhaps I should plan my next dream vacation in Disney Land…

Unlike some doomsayers, Bruce does not seem to take mind altering drugs. He is not part of a doom cult. He even has gainful employment as a professor and does odd jobs for the CIA.

The only fishy smell of course is that he does work for the CIA. You can’t see his equations and you can’t be sure it’s all true. The History Channel assures us that he is as good as Nostradamus, so you don’t need to bother with any inconvenient evidence.

But what has Brian produced that gives us an inkling of the end of the world? Funny thing about that, not much. For most of the documentary he sits on a park bench, either drawing on a napkin or typing into his computer. He does not seem too worried about the end of the world.

I worry that he isn’t paid well. He used a lot of napkins. Somebody should buy him a proper notebook.

Brian isn’t all doom and gloom. He believes the future can be changed. That’s so different for a doomsayer that it is like a cool drink of lemon aid on a hot day. Of course it could be hot because of nuclear war. The trick you need to listen to the good doctor on how you might change the world to prevent its end.

There is a bit of the doctor’s info out there. But most of it is in the History Channel program that heralds Bruce Bueno de Mesquita Phd as the next Nostradamus. But the only real predictions put forward were from Nostradamus, not thee good doctor.

Oh, one problem. The data, the equations, the predicted apocalypse and the important advice to avoid it, is probably locked up in the basement of the CIA.

Great! Good news, math and science can predict the end and even avoid it. Bad news, the information is too important for you to see any of the answers.

More Lost Souls to Fight in Antichrist's Army

According to a story about somebody else's statistics on religion in America since 1990, faith is down 11%. This is bad for the remaining religious. Fewer will be on the side of good in the last battle. This also means the side of evil may have some new soldiers, but more about that in a moment.

Think about it, fewer kids going to church means more conscripts in the  Antichrist's army. These folks have to come from someplace and that means the numbers have to be subtracted from the good guys. It is like the devil is getting the first draft choice and gets extra players.

This might be good too. All depends on how you count the numbers. For example, their are 6.8% more people without religion between 1990 and 2008. If we assume these are all atheists, then they are the Swiss in the battle at Armageddon. 

If this 6.8% are agnostic, then we have a toss up. Given the track record of God not taking new recruits (remember Noah didn't take on new passengers once it started raining), then the agnostics might have only one choice. There are also 2.9% more people that didn't answer or didn't know. These could also be agnostics and definitely fall into that bucket of possible evil army recruits. 

A minor issue is that this survey does nothing for us in terms of choosing the right religion for the end times. It is still a tossup as to who is actually speaking to god. Even the Muslims give a poor showing with an increase of 0.3%. That is hardly an endorsement. My only advice is to pray to all the gods and ask forgiveness for playing the field.

The really bad news is for Protestants. Their numbers are down 5.8%.  That's like getting two of your players in the penalty box at the Stanley Cup playoffs. It's  fair to say it is bad for the home team. If Protestants are the right sect (i.e. the one true religion), then they have their work cut out for themselves to represent good.

Good is supposed to triumph over evil. But I wouldn't be too quick about thinking that. Why have a battle unless it is a reasonably fair fight with out any miracles. If God isn't going to cheat, you should look at the scorecards before you assume who is going to win. 

Anyone taking bets?

Mayan's Prove Superiority with Stucco

Stucco is the height of civiliztion. They built pyramids, but they new the science of stucco. Truely the Mayans were an advanced people. Perhaps stucco is the science that proves they could predict the end of the world better than others?


http://cosmiclog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2009/03/12/1833838.aspx

Beginner's guide to Appocolypse

Some people are very helpful. Here's another short and sweet article on the end of the world.

http://www.theyoungturks.com/story/2009/3/11/14331/4599/Diary/A-Beginner-s-Guide-to-the-End-of-the-World

Start the party early

Sometimes there re some really good ideas. I like this one.
http://www.pitch.com/2009-03-12/restaurants/you-don-t-have-to-wait-for-the-last-day-of-the-mayan-calendar-to-make-a-trip-to-fiesta-azteca/

Dolphin Leather, Really!

Need some dolphin leather. Dolphin leather might be the only thing between you and the end of the world. You want to keep your religious artifacts dry, right?

Really. It's in the bible.

Missed Appointments or 2012 another false alarm

Skeptics are way too skeptical. Case in point is Dylan Otto Krider and his latest blog on 2012. He posits that we have a lot of missed appointments with doom. It is as if Dylan is saying that because of all the other predicted ends of time, we can probably write off 2012 as just another missed appointment as well.

I despise this sort of thinking. Sort of like how I despise mayonnaise - especially at picnics when in the potato salad! That stuff is freaking dangerous. It is just raw egg, lemon and oil. Raw egg mixed with potatoes brewing salmonella in the hot sun! Mayonnaise is the devil's spawn... Anyway, I hate it when skeptics throw the track record of doomsayers about willy nilly. 

Is 2012 a false alarm? Are we going to hit the SNOOZE button of the apocalyptic clock? 

Maybe that is exactly why we haven't seen the apocalypse. The gods that made the appointment and just missed missed it due to oversleeping or were caught in a traffic jam at the appointed hour. Why can't skeptics look at the other side of the missing coin? 

Dylan is right. There have been a lot of doomsayers that have predicted the apocalypse and missed the mark. No arguments there. But we might get lucky this time. The odds are a few billion to one, but if we hit that one... At last the world will be rid of mayo because there will be nobody left that knows the recipe.

A few good links from Dylan:

Top 10 Failed Apocalyptic Predictions. 

A Brief History of the Apocalypse (Now my favorite site)
From USA Today, an article debunking 2012

World to End When Bill Passes

First, a quote of a quote from the article where I found the video below:

"Our country is on the verge of “armageddon,” “nuclear war,” and “the demise of a civilization.”

Nice quote. But I have to correct the doomsayer. It isn't the "on the verge of Armageddon". Armageddon is a place. You can be near, far, headed in that direction, or even knocking on Armageddon's door. On the "verge" is poor grammar. 

Anyway, it is nice to see that it is possible to trigger the end of the world with simple legislation. We can do that for sure! Much more difficult and time consuming to wait on vengeful gods or a killer comet.

Pray for Tivo

If gods had Tivo, would they miss fewer apocalypses or strike down more blasphemers with a bolt of lightning? Is a facination with Oprah causeing vengful gods to not work their regular hours?

I know I get more work done because Tivo lets me better manage my favorite shows. FULL DISCLOSURE - I do not work for Tivo or own any stock. But if they are hiring, give me a call.

The simple fact is, the gods are not nearly as vengeful as they used to be. Sure there are still hurricanes (both weather and the drink), volcanoes, floods, violence, and war. But the big guy (or gal) is just not taking the time to take out evildoers.

Look at North Korea. Been there a long time. It isn't like it is hidden. Or the USSR before it fell. Could have been done a lot sooner, why wait for Reagan? I think too much TV in heaven caused this.

My recommendation: Pray for Tivo.

Then again, maybe it is too much prayer? Look at prayer like email. You can bet that any god that uses prayer for communication is probably sorry for the invention. Just when you finaly get to an important email for a meeting, it is already two weeks ago. I am sure that god is sitting there, just now going through the 2o year old prayers about Saddam Hussein, only to find out he has already been mistakenly let into heaven.

Another Asteroid Misses Earth, Cancel Apocalypse

Damn, I hate it when Apocalypse passes by.

The problem however is that this little asteroid that folks are talking about isn't going to cause Apocalypse. Well, at least not according to some false reports the referenced asteroid was of an Armageddon-scale. The problem is that a lot of folks hear asteroid and Earth and do some very poor math to scare the poop out of people. 

At 60 meters, this asteroid is not a killer, just a mass murderer of inconvenience. If it hit far out in the ocean it may not even ripple a wave on a beach. If it hit a small town, maybe wipe it out. Largish cities would just have a day of horrible traffic. It wouldn't be a slow news day, but the next day would be really slow except for reporters interviewing astronomers and disappointed end-of-the-world freaks waiting for something bigger.

The worst issue is the obvious misunderstanding of the reporter of the actual size of Armageddon. Armageddon, or Mount Megiddo as its friends and souvenir shops call it, is located in Israel. 

This asteroid doesn't even register on that scale. At 60 meters the asteroid is less than 1% on the Armageddon-scale. Disappointing in both reporting accuracy and that there is no apocalypse coming, even if this asteroid is circling back for another shot at us.

Megiddo A.K.A. Armageddon isn't 60 meters. Megiddo is a smallish hill that is at least 500 by 1,000 meters based on my reckoning using Google maps. If such a Megiddo hill came from outer space, and then hit us, that would be on Armageddon-scale. In fact, you could call it a "One" on the Armageddon-scale. 

Megiddo is really just a short pile of rubble (as are many asteroids which is a scary coincidence) that has thousands of years of history. Through a process of multiple wars and cities built on destroyed cities, Megiddo has become a hill.

  

They say this is where the last battle of good and evil will take place. Maybe. Maybe that was a typo or misunderstanding. Maybe it will be a Armageddon-scale asteroid. Sadly it will take a rock a bit bigger than Megiddo to take out everyone of the non-Christians heathens of the specific church that is not properly genuflecting at the moment of impact. 

Maybe we will be hit by a rubble type asteroid that breaks apart into little bits of rubble and there will be a little chunk of stone for each heathen? Hard to imagine as that is a lot of effort, even for a vengeful god.

I'll say it again, disappointing...

I love Google News! It is simply the best way to find signs of the coming Apocalypse. 

Go to this link for a story about a man that is claiming that the Apocalypse is now. Either that or he is a fan of Francis Ford Coppola's film. I must admit that either of these would make a good insanity plea defense.

2012 a Mayan hoax?

Here is another article on 2012. Of the many I have read, this one is pretty scary. Not what you are thinking, I'm sure of it! Or maybe not... 

The author of this article actually has a funny bone. He is open to the possibility of 2012 being the end of it all. He even posits that the mighty Chuck Norris is not powerful enough to save us. Follow the link, it is a ripping good read.

I am troubled by one of Rusty's theories. It is a theory that I too thought of, which is even more troubling. How could two people, separated by the Earth's core, coincidentally come to the same Earth shattering conclusion. I writing this in Thailand while the author is in the US. I'll swear on a stack of stone Mayan calendars that we have never met.

The odds are at least 2 in ,706,993,152. 6,706,993,150 people could have had this notion too. Scary stuff. Is it just Rusty and I or are you in on the joke too? Write in the comments below if you are one of us!

The theory that Rusty and I had is that the Mayans are playing a practical joke on us. They are ending the calendar in 2012 for no particular reason other than to make us sweat. They are going to just jump out of the bushes and yell, boo! We are going to feel pretty silly if it is true.

Here is the article:

Ancient Mayan prediction won't change individual actions
By Rusty Shellhorn
THE DAILY EVERGREEN
Published: 02/24/2009
http://www.dailyevergreen.com/story/27873

End of the world in 2012 proven by 13 year old kid in Dallas

Thirteen year old proved the world will end in 2012 at a science fair. Sadly looses, proving end was actually sooner. 

Strange that this happened in Dallas. Not because there are not a lot of science gurus, but you would expect someone to prove Revelations instead.

If you know this kid, I want to interview him!

Have they found me out?

The New Scientist is showing that they are prejudiced against the shortcut thinkers of this world with the latest opinion piece: How to spot a hidden religious agenda.  Why can't they leave pseudoscientists alone?

I find this sort of pseudoscience witch hunt to be offensive. Especially to witches! What happened to the good old days when we used to hunt witches? Now we hunt a lot of other stuff and the net result is no marshmallow roast. When are people going to get it through their thick  heads that only witches burn well enough to roast marshmallows!

I can make up anything I want and call it science. Sure it's science fiction and fantasy science flavored science, but it uses that science word, right? Same goes for those other greats, like Nostradamus or John of Patmos. Sometimes we need to believe that this is real so that we write better. 

You just can't make a buck as a doomsayer if you use real science. Erich von Däniken couldn't have been a best selling author by disproving aliens built the pyramids. You have to believe you see aliens or all you see is boring reality.

I'd go on and on about this. However I have another appointment and a bag of marshmallows that need to be roasted.

uTube and Armageddon

I love uTube. Full of interesting information. In this video we see the power of modern day doomsayers. You can put together some public domain news clips and a voice over to create a great vision of doom. Isn't technology a wonderful thing?

An Open Letter to the History Channel

Dear History Channel,

Subject: Programming

I notice that you spend a lot of time covering possible apocalyptic events and doomsayers, both religious and scientific.

This seems sort of odd. Isn't that future history? Worse is the fact that it is so scary that it making me mess my pants!

Why do you have to scare the living excrement out of us? I know it is sweeps week, but aren't you crying wolf, being Chicken Little, and giving a bit too much air time to crooks, idiots, charlatans, and leaders of damaging cults?

Even the stuff from scientists is a bit over the top. Just because a scientist says that Revelations' references to seas of blood could be red tide is no reason to give credit to such garbage.

How can you sleep at night? How would you like it if we changed your educational channels to play nothing but the Christian Broadcast Network?

At least give equal time to good comedians to make fun of this tripe. You shouldn't just have naysayers of doomsayers, you need good clean comedy to show how ridiculous this stuff is. It is the only way you are going to stop the damage to humanity.

Are you not afraid that by labeling this as history that your own children will believe this?

I know I will only hear the standard, "we got your message". Nothing is going to happen and your programming isn't going to change. I can only dream of my ultimate revenge that all this tripe about the end of the word is actually true and you are the first to get yours.

Thanks for the attention and your other great programming. Love your new show, UFO Hunters!!!

Twenty percent chance of Armageddon and three inches of snow on Monday

The end of the world news gets stranger every day. Here is another article of doom that I found via Google News:

20% chance of Armageddon - Mott

Chris Salih - 26-Feb-2009

http://www.moneymarketing.co.uk/cgi-bin/item.cgi?id=181645&d=340&h=341&f=342

I'm not sure who this Mott guy is, but he in in the UK and and seems to have studied Armageddon. I wonder though. Armageddon is a place, not an event. Apocalypse is the event, not the place. So either this guy has his wires crossed and his analysis is screwy or those folks giving tours of  Mount of Megiddo are piddling into the wind because they are on a hill that only has 20% chance of actually existing. One day you are standing on possibly very historical real estate and the next you are a pile of broken bones on the plains of the valley below. 

Reminds me of a physics professor I had at university (Cal Poly Pomona). He was one of the odd ones that always wore wool gloves without the fingertips. Not terribly odd, those gloves, but it was Southern California. Yep, he was somewhat odd. Anyway he spent a lot of time talking about atoms, quantum froth and how we could just disappear because our atoms wanted to be someplace down the street. Yep he was very odd. 

Anyhow, perhaps that is what is up with this place the scholars think may be Armageddon. If Armageddon has only 20% chance, maybe its atoms will just decide to be someplace else? Or they may just cease to exist. The problem is that either is possible. If Schrodenger's cat can die or not die at the same time, Armageddon can decide to disappear of it really want to.

You might ask how the logic of this makes sense. Well, it makes more sense than the Texas Rangers not making it to the World Series every year. Makes even more sense than the fact that the World Series does not include the 'world', just the US and Canada. It makes tons and tons of sense more than Paris Hilton being famous. 

Mott is an economist, so whatever he said was quite a load of incoherent nonsense. Sort of sounded like, "blah, blah, 20%  chance of Armageddon, blah, blah." But it is interesting for that little moment when he said something while I was actually listening. 

Maybe we need to introduce Paris Hilton to quantum froth and see what happens...

More 2012. Score: Humanity 3, Mayans 0.

More news of 2012 is starting to flow. Let's look at three articles today.

Science appears to contradict Mayan 2012 doomsday

By DESMOND LAWE

http://www.northernstar.info/article/6622/

Oh dear. You can tell form the tittle that things are not looking good for the Mayans. Here they were, getting ready for the end of the world, and then nothing. I hate it when that happens. Happeed to me in 2000. Afraid to go party and stayed home with my weapons and canned food. According to the article, the best hopes are a planetary/galactic alignment that will tear the Earth apart. Sorry all debunked by the article. 

I can still hope that the Mayan gods are listening. What is prophesy without fulfillment? Yeah there will be a great party in 2012, but who wants to live through the next day's hangover?

I find it silly that you need any type of astronomy for a god to come down and destroy the Earth. Look at Star Trek for all the examples you need. All that is required is a super being or a really big bomb or both. As long as you don't have Spock or Kirk to foil your plans, you are golden. Given that old Trek was canceled decades ago and that they were only fictional characters anyway, the Mayan gods can just wipe out the Earth without a peep from us.  

On to the next article:

Geologists Debunk Apocalyptic Prophecy

Pole Shift Gains Popularity; Science Clashes with Society

February 25, 2009 By Leigha Kemmett

http://cornellsun.com/node/35108

More bad news. Possibilities of the magnetic poles shifting is debunked along with other theories. Of course these are scientists. They think that just because they can make a car that will go 100,000 miles without a tuneup, that they can predict the behavior of Mayan gods. Hubris I say! 

Why write "The Boy's Book of Armageddon"?

I get asked a lot about why I wrote the The Boy's Book of Armageddon. The simple answer is that the whole idea is just funny.

Yes, the idea that we will all die horrible deaths is a downer, but you have to see the humor in the very ideas of how the world can end. Not just talking about the actual event, but the doomsayers, the signs, the preperations, and even what to do if you happen to survive.

It really doesn't matter one bit that the world will end right now... Well, not now... Not now either, but if it does. What matters is that people are always talking about the end of the world. Scientists, religions, and the crazy are all trying to make their case for the end of the world. Why fight it? Why not make fun of it?

My book, as is this blog, is educational. I know a lot of interesting facts and even have very important advice that you may benefit from. Some disasters are real as are some cults that damage the gullible every day. Why not understand how cults can make even scientists become gullible sheep willing to drink the cool-aid? There are also interesting facts about science, religion, and even marketing.

But the first principal is humor. We could get hit by a killer comet tomorrow or the biblical end times could magically start, but why not laugh now while you've got a moment?

Link of the day: Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Today's link is Self-fulfilling Prophecy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-fulfilling_prophecy

This notion of Self-fulfilling Prophecy is  like mixing a needle factory and a balloon factory. I'm sure it doen't sound apocolyptic, but it is to the balloons. If balloons had souls... If they believed in the end times... Why not have a field trip to the needle factory and fight the evil pins?

See where I am going with this? Ok, maybe that's a bad example. 

In California, they have politicians labeled Armageddon Republicans (please don't get me started on why there're no Armageddon Democrats). There is an article in the editorial section of the LA Times that is blaming these guys for the financial mess there. The author's opinion is that   Republicans are causing this. Here is a quote from the piece:

A steadfast belief in Armageddon may be self-fulfilling, and California is now witnessing the beginning of the end -- an avoidable economic collapse, as construction projects to build things we need and to inject money into the economy come to a halt, and as Sacramento's ineptitude and Republican intransigence obliterate confidence and dissuade investment.

In other words, why pay for changes, help people, be humanitarians, and be fiscally responsible when we are all going to snuff it at any moment anyway? It is also implied that this is somehow a fight against evil in the final battle. Democrat is synonymous with the devil of course. 

I am apauled that there is even a hint of Armageddon Republicanism. It is just plain wrong headed. It is like suicide and I hear that's a sin. Anything short of going to Mount Megiddo (Armageddon) and only battling those that are clearly marked by their pointy tails, red skin and horns is jumping the gun. 

I hear the end times will be obvious. A world-wide financial crises is not enough to even hint at the return of the Antichrist or any other sign in any other religion or cult. The seas havn't even turned to blood yet! Give me a break! You just as well be Democrats for all the good it would do. Literally! Shame on you!

Armageddon Quotes of the End Days

First is this news story from Canada. It appears that they are pushing for a do or do not aproach to the end of the world.

"It's not the end of the world, unless we want to make it the end of the world."
  - Scott Dudgeon, CEO of the Alzheimer Society of Canada

We also have this great headline:

Gmail fails, signals tech apocalypse

The story on CNet News helps us to understand that we don't need to have an apocalypse all at once. We can do it in stages, with gmail first.

All together, not a bad day for the apocalypse minded. Always good to get a good fright when you read the news with your afternoon tea.

Comets are not our friends

Another comet has passed us by without ending civilization. I know a few people are disappointed comet Lulin failed their dream of disaster. You have to take the good with the bad. At least you can still fear other comets still postmarked for Earth.

It's one thing to be able to see a once in a lifetime view of a comet, quite another to be there when one strikes the Earth right in the nose. It would be cool, don't you think? You couldn't tell your grand kids about the great comet strike, because you'll be dead. But in your last moments, wouldn't it be nice to know you could if you did?

Scientists are also a bit disappointed. A comet strike would be great for science. Of course they would prefer a comet that was small and did not include 'killer of all mankind' in its description. Having a comet come to you is simpler and cheaper than sending a rocket.

We are fairly certain that comets have hit us in the past. Eventually one is going to hit us in the future too. Comets, and especially big comets, are rare and even rarer that they are aimed at the Earth. What a shame for the doomsayers and even the scientists.

Today we will just have to settle for comet Lulin being a sign of doom. Could be a good sign too. Maybe this is a sign that they will finally find Osama bin Laden?

Tisdale says it's "not the end of the world"

Paul Tisdale, the manager for a football team in Exeter, said: "It is certainly not the end of the world." That's good news for the rest of us. Sadly Tisdale is a football manager in the UK, so not sure how much he knows about Revelations or killer asteroids and even bird flu. But I am willing to listen, even though I am an American and we spell it S O C C E R. Then again, maybe he isn't a great authority. Judge for yourself by reading the original This Is Exeter news article.

There is also an audio of the interview at the BBC. The quote is in there. Another interesting bit is about the use of crosses. Though I have never heard of crosses used in the round ball version of football, it could be part of Tisdale's Christian strategy to stop the the end of civilization.

It is important too to note that this interview concerns a game played against Chester City. Is Chester City somehow part of the Antichrist's army? Why were they not playing in Har-Megiddo, the battleground that is referred to in the Bible as Armageddon?

This leaves a good question open to inquiring minds. Why can't we see who wins in the battle of good and evil in a simple football game? Less blood. Well, a little blood, but not so bad that it runs in the streets. Maybe we could have an email/prayer campaign to lobby the doomsayers for a change of venue and rules of engagement? I know Americans generally see what we call soccer as a bit boring., but I am sure they will tune in if they can root for their home teams and possible salvation.

Imagine what kind of advertising rates the networks could charge!

Bird Flu and Doorknobs

I am not afraid of Bird Flu.

Why? Simple: Doorknobs.

Flu germs can live on a doorknob for up to 48 hours. You sneeze on your hands, open a door and that doorknob is now typhoid Mary. So, that is bad. Easy to catch the flu. What about Bird Flu?

Have you ever seen a bird open a door? No hands, right? Not going to happen. They don't even have the ability to sneeze on their hands or wipe their nose. 

Bird Flu is not going to spread from birds sneezing on their hands and opening doors. Case closed. 

Now if the Chinese start tainting bird food like they tainted baby milk, we need to worry. The moment birds start mutating and growing hands... Well, we are deep in the brown stuff that comes out of the back of bulls.  

Tigers laying down with lambs

There are some religons that say that a sign of the end times is when the lion lies down with the lamb. Others point to man living in peace with animals. As far as a sign goes, it is pretty clear and not hard to misinterpret.

I have long held that this is already true. My standard proof was any hollywood trained animal or the odd magic show. We have had wild creatures domesticated and or trained for a very long time. 

Proved it for certain last week. That's me with a tiger. Sure he (she?) was a very full and sleepy tiger taking a nap in the hot afternoon heat of Thailand. But that's me and a wild animal that has every opportunity to disembowel me and further fill that tummy. That qualifies as 'lying down with lamb' don't you think?

This was not the only big cat of the day. There were more than a half dozen others. Here is a photo that proves they were wide awake. Don't let the chains fool you. These are leashes. They are tied down, but there is plenty of room to turn around and get a handy people snack. 

This is Tiger Temple in Thailand. For you Christians, Mormons, and other sects, that means that the one place where tigers are laying down with lambs is in a Buddhist monastery. 

Sorry, but you gotta take your fulfilled prophecies where you can. Just because another religion/philosophy does it for you does not diminish the signs. Again, sorry about that.

This was actually my second visit to this temple. It is an interesting place where you can find over a dozen different types of wild and domesticated  animals plus man living in peace together. I highly recommend it as a destination. It is something you will never forget.

So, the end times are here. Thank you Buddha!

Are you ready for the end?

This is my first blog of the end times. The end is already here, or at least around the corner. 

I don't want you to think I am some religious nut. I am more of an Almond Joy sort of juicy candy with a nutty crunch. This is high comedy, horrible puns, and just plain wacky writing about the end of the world in all shapes forms, sizes, and cults.

This is also about marketing. To be a prophet of doom or professional doomsayer, you need marketing. Lots of marketing. I am about to publish a book, go on a speaking tour, be a guest on TV, radio, church gatherings, and all the rest. I need to get cracking to spread the word, even if it's about how your life may end by vengeful gods, a nut job with a home biology lab, or a killer comet. 

So watch this space. While you are here, let me know about how you think the world will end. I will be giving out free copies of my book as prizes.