To make things easier, please contact me as soon as possible to turn over all your money, homes, cars, boats, etc. As you will soon be in Heaven, you won't need any of these things. We here at Boys Books Publishing are fairly sure we are out of luck and could really use your stuff during the end times.
You might ask, "Why should I give a sinner all my stuff?" Well, think of it as 1) a sign of your faith that you are so sure that the end is upon us, you are willing to take out a bet of all your wealth. 2) All the sinners are going to die in very messy and tortuous ways, and it will be even worse if we are so obviously greedy by owning your stuff. 3) Donating to your church or cult is silly because everyone else you know will be in Heaven anyway.
We are also happy to adopt and care for your animals too. God has no room for pets, just the deformed monsters you read about in Revelation. If your pet isn't a sheep with many eyes inside and out, why not keep them safe by signing over your goods now along with your pets. That way we will have a few resources to care for your pets.
The end is near! Please act as soon as possible so that the check clears before the 21st!!!
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